rustydragonfly: Dragonfly in flight (Default)
[personal profile] rustydragonfly
I thought this should have something a bit more positive as the last (for now, anyway, I don't want to talk in absolutes) post. I really don't want to vanish completely. I didn't even want to vanish at all. It upsets me too, because I feel like there are a lot of people I'd like to read this, but they won't, because they're all elsewhere. I don't know how to find them. It's making me want to cry thinking about it.

But I can't go on about that, I want to leave some trails, even if they're not where I wish they all led.

I feel like I'm waiting for the trend in fandom to swing to a more user friendly site. I need comments, cohesion, privacy, things the big sites don't offer. I'm biding my time waiting for the pendulum to swing back to usability vs shiny. And Dreamwidth, the most viable site for me, has so many bad associations that I still don't feel comfortable using it as a major hub. So I need something new. But on the other hand, will that do any good, when...

...I don't think I ever belonged in fandom. I mean obviously I do some fan activity. I've been to cons (though I get the feeling I will stick to smaller ones to avoid Big Drama), I read fanfic, I even make fanworks - what else do you call those pokemon dolls but fanworks? But I don't feel like fandom is where I really belong. Many reasons, what I can think of...

  • The fact that fandom in recent years has become intensely political. I realise for some people that's how they process it and that's ok. For me, I can't handle it. Not only the politics but the morality. I was reading some about anti shippers last night and it honestly terrifies me to see that shipping wars have gone from "I don't like your ship, you suuuck" to "I don't like your ship, you are on the same morality level as a rapist" - I thought people were exaggerating about that. I wish they were. But it's not just the extremists - if it was I could brush them off. Everyone in fandom seems so much better, so much more moral, so more able to have the Right Opinions, than me - me, who doesn't even do basic moral things like identify as a feminist. There is a feeling of a One True Way in how to consume media that does nothing but give me anxiety attacks.

  • I can't write fanfic. I've tried, I can't do it. I respect people who can, because it's HARD working with someone you didn't create out of your head, etc etc. And I realise fanfic is not the sole point of fandom, but it's so big that when you can't create it, you do feel left out. I've struggled with this one for years.

  • I do write original fic, and fandom's reactions and treatment to canon creators have made that a very stressful thing. In fact one of my big series stalled because I had a lot of Big Dramatic Things planned and all I could think of was that I would Get It Wrong and be a Bad Writer and... well, get torn a new one for it. I don't need to see examples of what people say about Bad Writers who Get It Wrong hanging over my head. I have enough anxiety triggers as it is, and hitting the point where I deliberately insult myself so you don't have to (yes, that is my thought process with self depreciation - and yes, I do feel people want to insult me but are being too polite) isn't healthy.

  • Related to the above, I just can't get mad at the canons I love, and criticism is so key in fandom. But I just don't want to do it, and if you don't want to critisise, you get pushed aside, accused of being immature at best and obsessive at worst. And really? I can see when my canons aren't perfect. There's one show I'm following now where a couple of characters have been spending a lot of time outside the spotlight, and people are upset, and look.. I know it probably wasn't the best writing decision ever, I don't think it was the right way to go about it. But I'm not mad. The show isn't over, I don't know if the characters are being held onto for some future purpose. And if not... it's disappointing but being mad about it and accusing the writers of being terrible people isn't going to solve anything. I don't even like saying neutral things like "this is bad writing". What constitutes good writing is highly subjective, I don't know the full story behind what other writers do and why they do it... and I WRITE. I've looked back at stuff I wrote, too, and gone "I really wish I'd done that differently" but whatever, sometimes you just gotta accept that you didn't make a perfect storyline because you're only human, and as before seeing fandoms get critical makes me anxious. And I'm just not interested. I'm here to have fun and critisising isn't fun for me and honestly, even when I agree there's a flaw I can't bring myself to get mad at a thing I love. And I've never, EVER ragequit a canon I loved. But it's such a core part of fandom that it's just about impossible to avoid.

  • Related to that, fandom as a hivemind. Everyone hates this character, this writer, this episode. Screw you, I've had plenty of "hated" characters, episodes, writers that I loved. There's a couple of episodes of one show I follow that are considered boring filler at best and horrible at worst, but they never fail to make me laugh. Please don't speak for me.

(random moment - getting to write a HTML list, like I just did, is why I don't like new social media as much. HTML? What's that? Sorry guys, but I THINK In HTML when I write comments. Shiny won't compensate for lack of control. Grateful at least Tumblr offers a HTML option.)

I think I ended up in fandom because I was drifting around and just happened to sort of stumble in to a bunch of fandom people, and you were all nice but I don't think I ever belonged there.

Where DO I belong? Well, I miss the magic creature roleplaying, but I don't think people are interested in bringing it back. I've tried Dreamwidth roleplay in the past but it's very fandom orientated with all the anxiety issues fandom gives me, and it has a very catty, unpleasant anonmeme community attached that did NOTHING for me. Are you socially inept? Do you like cartoons? BAD PERSON! Well, that's me out.

I love worldbuilding. I love making stories. I miss hanging around in chats and hashing out plotlines and world details. But again there's so much morality involved it's hard to find places that don't make my anxiety flare. Every time I'm around geeky people, people I SHOULD be at ease around, I'm constantly on the lookout for danger, and constantly aware it's my own fault for not thinking the right way...

But yeah. Fandom is lovely sometimes, but it's left me with a lot of problems and I.. don't know if I can solve them. These are issues that therapists don't really know how to deal with, even if I could afford one right now. I seriously do believe that there ought to be therapists who are aware of issues inside of circles such as fandom and what they can do when they go wrong. Not to imply that fandom is inherently toxic, but it's not the happy safe space utopia I was given the impression of - sharp teeth under those happy smiles. (So basically, just like Dreamwith itself.)

But enough of that. I said I'd say where I was. Anyway it's not easy. I feel so splintered now that I don't have a "home" and shiny social media isn't home to me. I'm still very lost, alone, feeling like the entire internet moved on ad turned into something are more hostile and frightening, not my magic world of creative people any more. But where I am...

I have a Tumblr and Twitter but both are not really for socialisation. You all know my multiple issues with Tumblr, and I don't follow people or socialise there. It's strictly for art promotion because if there's one thing Tumblr does well, it's images. But I do not feel safe socialising, and if I'm not part of fandom, then I have no need to go there for that. The Twitter is a bit more relaxed because Twitter never had any bad associations with me, but it's never going to be a major hub. It's way, WAY too stripped down for that. I do follow a few people there, but I do not follow anyone who discourses.

I've been trying out a YouTube channel! Keeping it strictly to art dolls with a bit of Petz because I love those old games. It's been a more positive place than I thought it'd be so I do feel happy there, at least. I admit I never thought I'd say THAT, but yeah, Youtube has its nice, civil places! Mainly thanks to this wonderful person whose channel showed me that YouTube can be a place of kindness and happiness.

The DA account is still ticking over...

Not really keeping on top of anything else at the moment. I'd welcome any suggestions for good, user friendly, non minimalist social sites, though. Just remember, I'm not touching Facebook no matter how long the pole is.

But really, my happy place is websites, so...

Leopardcorgi Creatures - my domain. Business only, but I try to keep it looking unique rather than sterile. No white with a dash of blue here. But obviously not really a social place.

For personal sites my choice is still Neocities. I admit I'm finding it a bit hard to find other creatives instead of people who spam memes, but if you look you'll find them, and it's low on rageholicism. Anyway it's small and feels reasonably safe, and building your own website is home in a way a social media account never can be.

Kalium's Place - my main account. It's got a splash page, people. A SPLASH PAGE. And Petz. And a silly webnovel. It's lonely, but... home, I guess. I wish I could make a forum or something to go with it. Somewhere small and friendly...

Kiarrcats of Ryll - the main page for my kiarrcats, those magic creature RP throwbacks. Not done. Not close to done. But I love building this page. It feels like home. Just again, I wish there was someone about. I wish there could be an RP, but nobody seems to have time, and I know how those things die.

Elemental Cats - just another art/business sort of page.

Anyway that's that. Places I sometimes hang out:

The RKC Petz Forum - it's a FORUM, people. Dedicated to a game that hasn't seen an installment since 2002! And it's ACTIVE! and FRIENDLY! I'm usually hanging around in the hexing secions. I love crunching that code!

Furcadia - errrr look if all you know about furries is the usual What Everyone Knows About Furries, then... no. Just... no. Anyway yeah I've hung with furries in the past, they're cool people, if you asked if I was one then sure, yes. Sue me. And Furc's another old thing that's steadily carrying on, so I can't help but love it. I'm usually around as a lilac lynxen (quadrupedal lynx/bobcat thing) by the name of Kalium. I'm also SUPER SHY, I admit. But yeah, I'm there.

And because I'm pretty sure the main purpose of my existence is to make stuff, then here's where it all is. Writing mainly.

Manifestations: on anxiety induced hiatus. I'm at that middle point in the story where the worries over how new plot developments will be received were enough to stall me. I do want to get going again, probably on Neocities, but it's going to be lonely going, shame. Anyway. If I do that and you read it and you have any issues with how anything is handles, please, PLEASE approach me KINDLY and just talk. I may not agree with you but I don't want to hurt you or be a horrible person.

Random: that weird little crack-taken-seriously story about living NaNoWriMo characters is DONE! And it's over here! Links to an AO3 version too if you want that instead.

Kiarrcats: just having fun with Ryll. began editing a novel set there. Still wish it was an RPG, but interest levels, dead play by post games, etc etc. I would love to convert it to a dice system still, but I don't have confidence that I understand any of them well enough to do so. You are welcome to have a go. For me, it's just a nostalgic worldbuilding space.

Lynda 118: just some weird thing about personifications of the elements saving the world and beig very gay. Like you do. Nothing to show yet, wanna redo the first "book". But yeah. Gay chemistry magic ladies goooo.


rustydragonfly: Dragonfly in flight (Default)
evil northern overlord

June 2017

111213141516 17

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags