Apr. 14th, 2017

rustydragonfly: Dragonfly in flight (Default)
Sorry about everything. I want to reach out. And I try and... waves and waves of fear and panic and male feeling sliding and guilt and the urge to recite the Problematic Prayer before the Goddess of Good Decent People, whoever she is, but you all managed it okay, I guess.. so why couldn't I?

I thought I'd have some answers by now but all that really became clear to me was the way my gender feelings follow my mood:

if I'm upset, scared, guilty, hating myself, I'm male. i guess because that's what bad people are? I'm a nasty man crying male tears for everyone to enjoy!

If I'm happy, feeling good and confident about myself, loving what I do (yes, this happens!) I'm female. strong, confident, independent... girl? Yeah, I still don't like 'woman', i prefer 'girl', i know that's bad. But happy=female anyway.

How backwards is that? I thought being a woman was meant to be worse than a war zone! But that's my happy state? Ugh, I couldn't get my trauma the right way around, now I can't even get my gender right. So damn backwards all the time.

I'm sorry.

so uh...

Apr. 14th, 2017 08:26 pm
rustydragonfly: Dragonfly in flight (Default)
yeah. I think i came back too early.

you're not bad people. I think I'm like... burnt. so i put my hands on things and they're burnt so it FUCKING HURTS. I don't think you're doing anything wrong? (although uh i you like to post jokes about men uh... think about it? would you want people saying that about women? about you? nope!)

sadly I can't afford therapy any more and honestly? I don't know what I'd SAY to one, they don't know this shit, they don't know fandom and discourse. too much of a mess. we need fandom therapists.

I'm not healthy enough to be around you yet. i'm sorry... I'm so lonely, I want to be friends, but everything HURTS too much. I thought I'd have my damn shit together, you know?


rustydragonfly: Dragonfly in flight (Default)
evil northern overlord

June 2017

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